Wonder & Wandering

I'm a bit late with this... it's from Christmastime...

2012-01-31T15:52:00.002-06:00

Ssooo... I meant to post this that weekend after I got home...but was busy/tired/getting ready to go back to work. Not a good excuse, since I'd gotten most of it written (in my head at least) but, there you go.

*ahem* Fresh from December 28th, a recap of a very lovely movie day with my best friend. And yes, it includes reviews, a couple spoilers, and is quite long. I'm only a little sorry about that.

Our movie list for the day:
1. Jane Eyre (with Mia Wasikowska and Dame Judy Dench)
2. The Help
3. The Secret Garden (with Dame Maggie Smith)
~~4. Despicable Me~~
~~5. The King’s Speech~~
6. Becoming Jane
7. The Young Victoria

Jane Eyre. Jane was so good. This guy was the perfect Mr. Rochester. Not as mean as William Hurt’s version, not as creepy as the 2006 miniseries guy; and I never liked Ciaran Hinds as Edward. Timothy Dalton was ok, but a little … too overbearing; nevertheless he’s been my favorite Rochester so far. I loved Mia as Jane. I wasn’t sure what to expect with her coming from (the only other thing I’ve seen her in) Alice (with Johnny Depp). Now, I loved Alice, and loved her as Alice. BUT, that is a very different type of story and storytelling than Jane Eyre, which is such a classic. I love it. The only thing I didn’t love was St. John (“Sinjin”). He was mostly fine, and I liked him until he was angry and abrupt in the field near the end of the movie. It seemed out of character for him from every other version I’d seen, and the book as well (too over the top of a reaction, not pleading, but actually angry at Jane for not wanting to marry him). It’s my new favorite version of Jane, sorry Tim.

The Help. Such a good movie. It raises so many things that I never (and still don’t, really) understand about life then, where so many people believed those who weren’t white were less human, less important. And they were so often raised by those very people they looked down on! It makes me angry. Every time. But it so well depicted the few that were good, and the realities of crappy situations that the blacks had to go through and deal with and put up with in silence or be sent to jail, persecuted, or killed. God bless those who had the courage to speak up and speak out and stand up for themselves. And God bless those who listened. Such a good movie. And told well too. I can’t wait to read the book (yes, sorry, I did this one backwards…)

The Secret Garden. This is my favorite version with Maggie Smith as Mrs. Medlock. Seriously my favorite. The best telling of the story, the best Mary, the best Mr. Craven, Colin, Dickon, Martha…the best everything. Seriously, even if you don’t like this story, or think it’s stupid, or whatever, give this one a watch. At least once. The only part I don’t like is the bit with the fire and the calling to the “Great Magic.” It’s a bit… well, creepy to say the least. However, I love Mary’s transformation; the whole house’s transformation. So, it’s a favorite. All the old keys, the old house full of hundreds of rooms and even more secrets, it’s the perfect mystery and the perfect story of friendship, nature, and love. It’s even in my bestie’s top 10, and being the movie buff and lover that she is, that’s saying quite a lot.

~~Despicable Me.~~ (skipped for time. Love it, but … it’d be after 2 in the morning if we kept it in, so since we’d both seen it, and we were too tired it was out!)

~~King’s Speech.~~ (also skipped for time. Sort of sad we did, but I’ll be Netflixing it, you can be sure. Review to come.)

Becoming Jane. Anne Hathaway & James McAvoy in one of the best and saddest (if altered and imagined, at least a bit) love stories of all time. It’s sad, and happy, and exciting, and slow, and comfortable, and lonely, and disappointing, and terribly, terribly depressing… and I love it.

The Young Victoria. Again, how can you not love this movie. A real love story. So lovely, so beautiful. I love Emily Blunt – she’s perfect in this. I also love … uh, Mr. Wickham whose real name I can’t remember for the life of me who plays Prince Albert. He is fantastic in this movie. It is the perfect balance of manliness and gentleness. A man fully in love, and without much control with which to win over the woman he loves. But he does, of course. I also love the facts at the end – especially that after he died (at 42, no less), Victoria had his clothes laid out every morning in his memory until she died at the age of 80. A wonderful, sweet end to our day.

Leash, thanks again for sharing those couple days with me – I will forever remember it as truly relaxing and refreshing and uplifting. I love you, dear friend!

Doctor in the House

2012-01-16T12:03:00.001-06:00

I'm obsessed with Doctor Who. Those who know me IRL are not surprised by this statement. Well, maybe you are - it goes in waves. I love the show, but lately, I've been missing it, so I've been compensating in other ways: watching older episodes/re-watching the Christmas episode, making DW crafts, and so on. (yes, crafts.)

I love that it helps me escape in an interesting, thought provoking way. I love that I can have fun conversations with friends (and strangers) face to face as well as over the internet about the joys of the Doctor's world, etc. I love that I can talk about it with a dear friend at work who geeks out over it as much as I do. I love that my dad, mom, youngest brother, and his girlfriend will all geek out over it with me, discuss the possibilities to come, and watch previous episodes together pointing out the things we hope the other didn't miss. Oh, and the quoting of all the good lines. We've had entire conversations that are mostly just quoting sections of one episode after another. good fun. ;)

Sometimes you just need that little escape into something that is fun, still interesting, but has nothing whatsoever to do with your normal life. I've also been hoping to catch up on "Classic Doctor" but am having trouble finding episodes at all, much less in order (which I'd prefer).

What get's you relaxed/geeked out?

It's been 3 months...

2011-12-16T12:06:00.001-06:00

quite literally.

how did that happen?
well, i did say i'd be on hiatus...

i think often of things i'd like to write, but don't have the time. or it seems too mundane to write an entire post about. i assume most bloggers feel the same way, but somehow find a way around it. or are just better writers than i am. or maybe most of them just have more interesting lives...

in any case, we're less than 1 1/2 weeks from Christmas, and i'm giddy with thoughts of family, friends, babies, pedicures, cookies, delicious food of all kinds, and general happiness. oh, and time off work. i can't wait. my twin nephews are 3 1/2 months old, and they are adorable as ever (as is my niece) and i just wish i had (if not a time machine to be able to re-do periods of time and do EVERYTHING) at least a space machine that would allow me to travel the 2 hours in seconds so i could go visit more often. this would help with friendships as well.

maybe i should invent that.
yes. i'll get on it.

well, that's really all the time i can spare today - and it will probably be another (but hopefully not as) long span of time before i write again... if you have ideas of what i can write about/stories you'd like to hear, leave comments, let me know. :)

Until then - have a happy Christmas!

The Doctor & Captain Bluebear

2011-09-16T10:19:00.004-05:00

I have been reading "The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear" (which I discovered thanks to a recommendation by an Australian YouTuber and his list of favorite novels). There's a part in the middle of the story where the Bluebear has an affect on something that happened in his past by what he does in his present (the future). Suddenly, the author is explaining to the reader (directly) about how this is possible and why it can happen and that it doesn't make sense "but there it is".

I realized that it bothered me not because it was confusion, but because i couldn't understand a need for the explanation. Clearly I've watched a ton of Doctor Who; this type of thing is a common occurrence in several story lines, and among many characters. Particularly, I recall a recent episode (vague spoiler alert, skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to be spoiled or let down from vagueness) when the Doctor does something simply because he knows he did it since he saw the results in the past even though he's using the past experience to tell him what to do in his present (the future from the past) so he can still succeed in the same way in the past and get to the future where he can do those things to help himself (and others) in the past (and in the future). It's a bit of a crazy circle, huh?

But, I'm long past the confusion, it makes perfect sense now (yeah right, but I've given in - it's too confusing otherwise (and anyway) so you have to or quit watching, which just isn't an option). I love that crazy show. So much.

Unavoidable Hiatus

2011-09-06T13:05:00.001-05:00

Unavoidable:
1. I have no working computer at home.
2. Posts I want to write are usually longer than the updates I can easily post on fb or twitter.
3. I so strongly desire to write most days, either here, or working on a story or poem or whatever, but it is hard to keep track of and keep it regular and/or fluent without a computer.

Thus,
1. I will be "hiatusing" until this is resolved.
2. I fully expect that from time to time (as it will take a bit to sort out a new computer) I will find a place to post, most likely shorter ones.
3. I am a little sad not to be sharing things more frequently, but appreciate your patience, and hope you'll return to read when I'm back -- and bring others with you!:)

p.s. if anyone wants to donate to the cause (funny stories, encouraging notes, commiserating comments, monetary gifts) feel free... check out my 'Talk' page. ;)

In Memoriam

2011-07-29T16:36:00.000-05:00

Click here to read the whole poem.

I know I will miss

the color of his sky blue eyes

the smell of his cologne

I remember

his skin, marked by the sun,

tanned, almost tough,

somehow, still soft.

I can feel his hugs

just tight enough

but perfectly gentle.

the ultimate embrace,

filled with love...

...I miss him.

always will.

what a month

2011-07-29T14:53:00.000-05:00

i can't believe july is almost over.
so much has happened.

God is still good, and praise Him my faith is still strong.
prayers for many, and even myself.

more coming later...if i can get it together.

i am

2011-06-07T16:38:00.000-05:00

i’m a giver without a receiver

a lover without a match

a helper without an outlet

i'm a mom without any kids

a wife without a husband

a housekeeper without a house

i am lost

------

i'm a sinner who is saved

a child who is found

a daughter of the King

i'm a weak one who’s been given strength

a poor one who’s been given hope

a lonely one, but in His embrace

i am found

------

my first thoughts are true

but ultimately less important

my God is bigger

------

i am saved

i am bought

i am owned

i am uniquely created

i am particularly chosen

i am specifically wanted

i am loved

Oi.

2011-06-06T12:20:00.002-05:00

the stress.

it has arrived.

and i'm having trouble coping.

lucky for me, i got a few hugs yesterday, and that always helps.

but when i'm here, trying to think about too many too-difficult things at once, it rains down.

and i feel lost.

(sorry to dump today... maybe i'll be more upbeat later.)

Buried

2011-05-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've been living in boxes for over a month. I'll admit, I'm a little tired of it. Who wouldn't be? Maybe there's someone out there, but I just feel buried.

As I told my roommate on Tuesday night (or was it last night?), I feel like we need more closets - but that won't happen. I don't know where I got all this stuff, or where to put it. We have a storage closet, but my organizing brain is fearing that it isn't large enough. It is also fearing any attempt to put shelves up - the cost, the work involved (I don't trust myself with shelves...build a dresser, a bookshelf, a dollhouse, sure, but put up level shelves? No way, Jack.) and so on. Some how it will all work out. I got rid of the not necessaries before I moved, and am confident that I kept the things I will want/need, and not the things I could do without ever seeing again.

*breathe*

Ok, that being said, despite feeling buried, we are making good progress. We have a functional living room, with a few boxes that need to be taken down to said storage area once all is finished being unpacked, and a kitchen that one of our good friends unpacked for us - such a blessing! I was able to paint in my room, and have it dried before the moving of furniture, and am excited to have a bit of color, and not be stuck in whiteness again/still/always. I just have to figure out a few logistical things in my closet, and unpack the 10 1/2 boxes of books (yes, for real).

I'm hoping tonight is the night that I finish. I have grand plans. Whenever that time comes, you can bet I'll be celebrating. I'd like to break the record - the last time I moved I was completely unpacked in 2 weeks. Saturday makes 1. Goal created.

And slightly feared.

Promises

2011-05-03T12:28:00.000-05:00

I promise to get better at this again... it just may take a little while to get settled back in...

I have been beyond busy since January, and with Easter just over, and summer looming, it doesn't let up. Throw into the equation my move to my new apartment in less than 2 weeks. I'm excited about the move (with an awesome roommate), but it adds to the BUSY. I am sick of packing, and loathe the thought of unpacking. I'm already looking forward to my vacation at the end of June, when I can really rest up despite having just had a 4-day weekend (it was full of packing and cleaning, not much of the much-needed-rest).

So, I think of writing, but never quite get there. And today, I'm so stressed I can't sit still, can't think straight, can't quite figure out how to keep going, or what to work on, or how.

I have this feeling I need to be bold, but don't know where to begin, or what that really looks like right now. I know I need to keep my faith strong, and that I still live in the promises God has given me. I need to be better at reading my Bible daily (more than, really) so those promises are etched deeper into my brain. I feel restless, I feel incomplete, I feel like I'm floating and can't find the ground beneath me.

I'm glad I'm not the One in control.
But I admit, I wish He'd give me a blueprint to follow. Or a list. I like lists.
Deep breath.
Continue.

Woah. It's almost May.

2011-04-26T00:45:00.026-05:00

I meant to blog more frequently. Honest, I did. When I realized I'd missed most of March, I thought I'd make up for it (or at least get back on track) in April. But it's officially the 26th, so I guess I missed that boat by a long shot. I suppose this will be a bit rambling, as I should really be sleeping by now. I apologize now so you can't complain later (not that you ever do).

I've been working - a lot - and finding (with my roommate) the next place I will live. The place we found is not too far away - just back to the next town (city?) over. I'll live in the same place I work in for the first time in 6 (7?) years. I suppose that's a little weird for me, but not really. The drive will be similar in time, but it is a little closer, so that'll be nice for the wallet. Let's hope.

I have just come through the Easter season at work, which is always busier than I remember, but also equally blessing to so many that it's worth it - even if I'm more exhausted than I care to admit. I also realized over this past weekend that I'm moving soon. As in, 3 weeks soon. And I have a lot of cleaning, packing, transferring of bills, canceling of services, etc. to do before that time comes. Thankfully, because of all that time working, I have some days off this week to help me recover... and pack.

Today I meant to do most of the cleaning around the house (before there are literally boxes everywhere), but my body had other ideas - as it does now. I slept late-ish, read, fell asleep again, got up, ate, started to clean, sat down to let the drano do it's thing, was too tired to get my butt off the couch, finally did get off the couch, continued the cleaning, realized I needed to eat, made dinner, finished cleaning the one area (for now), and have spent a chunk of my evening listening to talented people sing songs and talk about interesting things on YouTube, and attempting to start rallying people to help us move.

When it started to rain, I shut my eyes, thinking I'd be able to start drifting off, and head to bed. That was 3 hours ago.

And I'm so tired.
Here's hoping I won't fall asleep during my many meetings tomorrow...

And you thought it was Spring...

2011-03-31T16:10:00.004-05:00

silly rabbit.

I know this is a bit redundant - I've said it a few times today - but seriously? SNOW?? in APRIL??? Nice April Fool's joke for us, as that's the forecast for tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, I live in Chicagoland and we have 2 seasons, winter & construction. In reality, we actually have a couple weeks of spring and fall - whether you believe it or not. And it tricked us, as it always does. We had a (literally, one) week of beautiful, sunny, mid-50s to mid-60s weather. Then it got colder again as expected, and the threat of snow is always there when the overnight temps lie around 20-25. But as it gets closer to April, we all always hold out hope that it won't snow again. Of course, it always does. How have we not learned this?
Hope springs eternal.

And the sun comes back on Saturday.

I need You

2011-03-10T07:30:00.002-06:00

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need You
I need You here
I need You now
I need security somehow
I need You
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause You're everything I need

"I Need You" by Relient K

Ditto.

2011-03-09T17:23:00.004-06:00

It's all I've got today.

Ditto to what? This.
Probably this too...
Plus, work is ... work.

to quote myself: "Trust on."

to quote David:
"...He is my fortress. I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

to quote the One Who loves me:
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness'... I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me...for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Missing

2011-03-05T22:45:00.005-06:00

friends                 time                 books

(seems like) sanity                 energy

niece                 family in other states

daily exercise                 daily devotions

some i can do something about.
others, horribly, i can't.

Did you?

2011-03-02T22:48:00.004-06:00

Did you listen/buy/fall in love with it yet?

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've missed a couple days with me... and you should check it out.

Sick beats, a great hook, good lyrics, a catchy tune, the rhymes - what more could you ask for??

Sounds good, huh?
You should click this.

B.Reith Single TODAY!!!

2011-03-01T11:54:00.030-06:00

Today's the day! B.Reith's new single, "Knockin' on My Door " is out! It's already noon, it's been out for 12 whole hours, so hopefully you've checked it out since my excitement from yesterday, but in case you haven't DO IT NOW!

I was so excited that this morning, I only did one thing before purchasing the single: this morning's Twitter post. :) So so happy!

It was followed immediately by the purchase.

You can do it too! Now! Do it now! You won't be sorry. - Plus, I just found this promo video for the single!! ;)

The sad thing is, once it had finished downloading, I had to bolt out the door to get to my meeting on time (stupid slow computer and it's stupid slow downloading...a story for another day), so I emailed my newly purchased B.Reith single to myself, and buzzed out the door.

This means, my first hearing of the (amazing) song was JUST before this post. I LOVE IT!! It's on 'Repeat (1)' - anyone in my office has no choice but to love it as much as I do, or suffer if they don't, but so far, they all like it - so fun! I believe I'm on time number 4 already - I keep stopping my typing to listen.

Thanks, B , for another amazing song.
Can't wait to hear what's next. :D

new music

2011-02-28T15:25:00.002-06:00

i'm SO excited.
the "m" months are bringing me (and you, of course) new music, from much loved artists...

...and b's comes out TOMORROW!!

B.Reith see here.
Owl City see here.

(yay!)

"K" mug

2011-02-22T17:59:00.006-06:00

Yes, I caved, and bought the "k" mug from Hobby Lobby...at least it was on sale! It's a small, cheap, simple thing, but it makes me a little happier today.

In other news, February's ALMOST OVER! What?? Wow, that went fast. Though in times it seemed to be dragging, it flew by. I remember in January, when all the changing started, I thought it would be even slower to go through time expecting and wondering what to expect. Truthfully, it has felt long, and stressful, and crazy sometimes, but minutes seem to keep marching on in their (seemingly) never-ending-parade through the universe. Things have been out of the ordinary this year, this month, and I think I'm beginning to believe my best friend may be right: we should ban February from the calendar. (Well, except the birthdays of those we love. 'Cuz we still want them around. Other than that, though, it's outta here!) It seems to bring nothing but crazy situations, random people (in her case, not mine), insane outcomes, etc. It's not been boring, I can assure you.

Crazy *ahem* times.

Now, as I ponder all that will/may/could come in the next month (or 3, or 8), I am feeling overwhelmed. So, I plan to go home with my "K" mug, drink some tea, watch some Gilmore Girls, work on a cross stitch project, and perhaps read. Wow. Now I'm overwhelmed with my plans for relaxing! "I think I need a break. A little break? Okay. Whew!"

Time to Read...

2011-02-19T12:34:00.003-06:00

I love to read.

I think that's why I like to write... but reading is better 'cuz I can just dive in; I don't have to create the environment to dive into... ;)

That being said, I'm finding it harder and harder to find things to read - new things, and good, not junk.

Currently, I'm reading:
1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (again), by J. K. Rowling
2. The Lord of the Rings, Return of the King (again), by J. R. R Tolkein
3. The Noticer, by Andy Andrews
4. The Principle of the Path, by Andy Stanley

I have waiting on my shelf:
1. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
2. Simple Church, by Thom S. Rainer & Eric Geiger
3. Stay Mad for Life, by Jim Cramer (I've actually started this one, but have some re-reading to do...)
4. Sixpence House, by Paul Collins

However, I NEED MORE IDEAS!! Some of these are non-fiction (which is good, but can't always hold my attention very long in a day) and I need more - either fiction or non: encouraging or biographical or just plain fun. I don't do mysteries very well (which won't surprise you if you know me), but some are good, so they're not totally off the table.

Comment, leave suggestions, help me out! :)

Snowtopia

2011-02-02T19:13:00.006-06:00

It came. It conquered.

I loved it.

Truth: I love snow.

Serious thoughts.

2011-02-01T20:51:00.002-06:00

Read this.

Ponder it.
It means a lot, even if you haven't read what it's talking about - I haven't, but I still get it, it's message is still clear.

That's the important part. The message. Don't let it just wash past you. Think about it. Evaluate yourself, how you act, how you judge yourself, how you spend your time.

Serious thoughts, folks. Serious business.

I just have to...

2011-01-27T23:51:00.003-06:00

"IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!!"

haven't seen the movie yet - but have heard nothing (really, nothing) but good things. from adults. yessss.

makes me laugh, out loud, every time.
i love her.

This is where I'm at, folks...

2011-01-25T00:00:00.003-06:00

it's frustrating! ;)

You know you want to click me. (<<--- there, click there!!)

It feels like friday

2011-01-20T19:51:00.000-06:00

it's thursday, but for some reason it's felt like friday all day - perhaps because of the tumbleweeds rolling through the building...

tomorrow (the real friday) will feel even weirder, i guess... we'll see. hopefully the (extra) silence will make for a(n extra) productive day.

i've been busy today, though i feel unproductive. i'm getting more used to the changes i'm experiencing, and was helped immensely by my small group's discussion last night - which was phenomenal despite being extra small. God truly is good, and He is showing me little by little that He's the One carrying me as i navigate new waters in many areas of my life. i feel the strength behind me, His arms cradling me. while this isn't the best time in my life, it's becoming more and more apparent that it certainly isn't the worst either (which i already knew, but it's nice to have that fact enunciated).

plus as a bonus, my best friend had the best idea today, and is going to research making it a reality - and it will help us both gain a little perspective and a bit of much needed rest - and soon.

i can't wait.

Whaa??

2011-01-16T23:30:00.011-06:00

First let me say that this post is NOT about chick-flicks. And it will be short. I hope. But we must begin with the setting. So.

Tonight I decided to watch Valentine's Day. I know, don't say it - it's a sappy chick-flick with no plot and underdeveloped (or non-developed) characters and it's probably not worth much of anyone's time. But I'd seen it once and couldn't remember if it was worth watching again or not, and as I had the opportunity to give it another go, I decided to take the chance.

I (almost) always watch the previews before a movie on DVD. I can't help it - it feels a little strange to skip them. As the previews began on this one, it was the normal chick-flick stupid stuff - pretty standard on these "best movie for a date night" type things... (although I don't agree with that line at all...)

Then, out of nowhere, I'm watching a (long - original?) trailer for Doctor Zhivago. No kidding. And when I realized what was happening, I thought, surely, this is some sort of TCM or remember-the-old-classics type of thing. But that bit never came. It literally was a preview to go watch Doctor Zhivago. I was curious to see what the next would be. Another like Sex & the City 2? Or another classic? Tada! Gone with the Wind, in all it's original, how-it-was-meant-to-be-seen glory is now on Blu-ray! How can you resist Clark Gable and all that great music?

And what, possibly, could follow these classics on the preview role on this romance movie? What else would fit but "The Bachelor: The Videogame" with all it's lewd flirtations, vacations and your favorite bachelors & bachelorettes from the shows? My only reaction: WHAA??? This was followed by some other beach part Wii game which I still don't understand. Finally, to top it off, AFI had a "preview" of movie clips - mostly of people watching movies (in movies) or laughing/crying together at something off screen - to ask you, the audience member, to register as a member of the AFI - because you're so important to them.

Now you're set to watch the new, light, cheesy movie actually on the DVD. Congratulations. And yikes. If that wasn't random, I sure don't know what could ever qualify to be.

This is one I'll be skipping previews on if I ever watch it again. Which, given my track record of forgetting how much I didn't like or didn't care about certain "romantic" "comedies" is a possibility. ;)

good, bad, ugly theme song

2011-01-15T13:34:00.003-06:00

*
press play, start at 2:29:

did you see the tumbleweeds? ;)

(*i found this just as i was about to write my latest post, - or see below - and it's from (originally) 8/31/10 at 8:51pm - i had just recently watched this movie, and it's music brought so many more memories of homemade videos by my brother and his friends along with other silly things from younger years. as it brought a smile to my face and made me laugh, i thought it'd be a good addition to this day of celebrating the things that (silly as they may be) make me smile. thank God for those little things that keep us going!)

God is good

2011-01-15T13:06:00.002-06:00

yesterday was another hard day, which i knew it would be, but ended up being so for more reasons.

i hate that.

but i went out with 2 wonderful friends last night for some good food and an amazing (true) love story while curled up on a couch with a gigantic, delicious, red velvet cupcake and homemade cream cheese frosting (the leftovers of which i will eat today).

still, this morning, i was thinking about the discouraging stuff from yesterday (it's hard to escape the blues).

but i had my life group meeting with my lovely ladies and we talked of forgiveness, where our focus is, and how we should truly be thinking about life and its circumstances.

after they left, i planned an evening with a friend (for tonight). i already have seen things that remind me of yesterday's difficulties, and i know i will have to deal with those again next week.

but God is good. He is in control. and He has given me a weekend filled with Himself and friends and laughter to help me keep going.

God is truly good.

when it rains it pours

2011-01-10T16:28:00.003-06:00

more things changing, and while i'm trying to stay positive and trust God, it's getting harder as each day goes by. i know His will is best, and i'm trying to just trust, take one day at a time, and see where He leads.

things to think about are less and less clear and even less fun to have to think about.
plus, i'm trying to stay positive and thinking about these things makes that even harder.

i'm sad and frustrated and irritated and tired (haven't slept well in a week & a half now).

and, i have tiny chicken disease this week on top of it all (otherwise known as the common cold).
bleh.

it's threatening to overwhelm me

2011-01-05T12:25:00.002-06:00

i'm on the edge, the brink, the cliff.

verses found, encouragement, challenging:
Phil 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Acts 18:9: One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.

Isa 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Heb 4:12: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

It's the 'New Year' Post

2011-01-03T19:55:00.005-06:00

You knew it was coming.

Several posts and comments I've heard about New Year's resolutions have circled around the fact that they never seem to be followed - at least not long enough to have a real effect in your life. (If I got the wrong word, please forgive me, just this once. If I got it right, feel free to let me know!) Most of these have focused on the proof of this by the example of a supremely crowded public gym or workout facility in January, which inevitably falls off to those "regulars" (who have been there since the year(s) before) by mid-February.

So, what's the point? We all make promises about how we'll change, how we'll improve; and it's usually very specific. My cousin has a great thought, though - it's still an aim at a lifestyle update, but it's a bit broader in its outlook. You plan to improve, but you don't put a nail in a specific outcome. Instead of "I will lose 10 pounds this year," you plan to eat healthier, park further from the building, walk more. Instead of "I will read my Bible for an hour every morning before I make breakfast, and pray for an hour before I go to bed at night," you plan to work on your relationship with God, simply getting to know Him better so you can follow Him more closely. The outcome is likely to exceed what you would have placed on yourself in some way (over the course of the entire year). I find, when I choose those kinds of specific goals, I focus too much on them, and often cause myself to fail - even if it's not that hard of a goal to reach. And sometimes, my goals are just plain unrealistic for me at this point.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't fix specific goals, or monitor the changes, or take on challenges. But I think often times (especially around January 1st) we get focused on that mountain peak we want to aim for, and we get over-focused. Then, when we experience the smallest set-back or slip-up, we throw out the whole thing, 'cuz we know we "just can't do it." My problem (and I suspect there are others like me) is that I don't just throw in the towel. I throw it in, and then I go to work viciously undoing all the good I may have done so far.

So, this year, I encourage us to aim for something huge. Make tracks. See the change. Make a map, a record for yourself so you can see how far you've come. But don't get overzealous thinking you know what's coming or where you'll get to in the end. Don't spend too much time looking back. Always look forward, toward the goal. Glance back only to help you see how to avoid a stumble in the future. Keep moving forward.

"Whoops."

2010-12-24T10:03:00.002-06:00

It's December 24th.
Which means I've missed 3 days for BEDID.
But you know, I'm ok with that. They've been good, full, yet restful days.

I baked a ton of cookies (yes, exaggeration...but we did bake a lot) with a good friend. Then I went to another friend's house to eat pizza, watch a movie, and talk into the wee hours of the night (we hadn't seen each other for far too long, especially considering that she lives relatively close). It was a day full of hugs, laughter, good conversation, and people & things that make me happy.

The next day I finished baking the cookies we hadn't gotten to, and made another batch of home made granola (yum). This was followed up with the end of cleaning, a Christmas movie or two, a couple viewings of the Nutcracker (different versions), wrapping presents, and packing to leave.

Yesterday was full of joy as well, starting with breakfast with a dear friend, and hours of talking, hanging, just generally loving on each other. Then I headed to my parents where I'll be with family until at least Monday, maybe Tuesday.

So, BEDID's gonna take a break (I wondered even at the beginning if this would happen). I've done pretty well, and we'll see what happens, but no expectations until next week, ok? ;)

Yes, it's December 24th.
Christmas Eve.
I get to see more family tonight, and Christmas day is tomorrow!
I love Christmas for so many reasons, but mainly because of the reason that it's a joyful time (Jesus). He really is the Reason for the season, and it's so much bigger than this day! I also love that all my family celebrates for this reason too.

It's almost here!

2010-12-20T16:20:00.001-06:00

Christmas is SATURDAY!!!

and, it's snowing.

*happy sigh*

Girl's Night In!

2010-12-20T00:43:00.004-06:00

Tonight my dear friend had dinner prepared for several of us friends at her house. We had a WONDERFUL time of laughter, good food, too many cookies, too much cake, joy, hugs, games, good conversation...the list goes on.

I've just noticed, I'm writing as if it's still Sunday night, but realize that it's become Monday morning (I just got home about 10/15 minutes ago)!

Good friends are good for me. They keep me grounded, lift me up, and encourage me. They love me for who I am now, and encourage me in my walk with our amazing God.

What a fabulous way to end a busy season & start a vacation!

Singing and making friendships grow

2010-12-18T20:19:00.000-06:00

as you know if you've been reading this week, i have been singing. it's given me a chance to do something i love. it's had some hard work, and a lot of it in this week, but it's been good. tonight (service 1 of 3) went well, and good response was had - worshipful, meaningful, pointing to God - so it was worth it all!

also, it has contributed to the growth of a few new friendships, and that's always exciting. makes me smile just to think of the hugs and love of Christ in so many of these people.

to bed i now go, 'cuz i get to do this again early tomorrow morning... 2 more services to go!

p4a (dftba)

2010-12-17T16:48:00.001-06:00

In the last few months, I've gotten more involved with random people (indirectly, and a little directly) online. I've done more with YouTube than ever before, joined Twitter, participated more on Facebook and even done a teensy bit on Dailybooth.

As a result of this I've begun "following" several people that are heavily (more or less) involved in several of those sites. It sorta feels like I've made some new friends... and if I ever meet them, it will be interesting in a "I've seen a lot of you, but you've never seen me in your life" kind of way. However, it must be said that most of them are used to that, and are always pleased to meet the people (unless they're meeting jerks) who have commented/followed/been interested in their lives/videos/thoughts.

That being said, I've learned about a really cool project called "Project for Awesome" (or P4A) that takes place on December 17th & 18th - I think each year, though the date may fluxuate. I also believe this is year 3 in the project. It's all about raising money for charities, and using YouTube to bring attention to it all.

You can learn more about Project for Awesome here. (Be aware, Hank talks VERY quickly, all the time, so listen closely!)

I am amazed already by what has happened today and will be trying to check in tomorrow to see how it's going as well. Do yourself a favor, check it out, and be encouraged by others doing good to "decrease world suck."

DFTBA. (for the short answer, click here.)

Snow Songs

2010-12-16T22:33:00.004-06:00

it's snowing.
powdery, fluffy, beautiful.

i got to sing alot already this week, and there's more coming.
including in my car and office tomorrow.
Christmas music of many varieties and for many reasons.

and, tomorrow's my last day of work before a long vacation.
full of family and friends.

fabulous.
happiness.

tonight, a summary

2010-12-15T23:45:00.002-06:00

rehearsal for this weekends' services, conversations with friends while driving a short-ish drive, small group composed of Christmas goodies & the reading of Christmas stories (kids picture books, to be exact), laughter, friends, farkle, conversation with my dad

win.

It's the little things, really.

2010-12-14T19:40:00.002-06:00

Especially when they are huge to me.

Like when something that has taken a ridiculous amount of time to get to stage 1 (which, of course you were hoping was the final stage), and then when you spend almost as much time again to get to stage 2...and then find out it's finished! No more stages!! Amazing! (small, but huge, you see?)

And when something that should have been thought of and discussed eons ago, and is brought up today, 5 minutes before you have to leave, and the task is only very minimally placed on your shoulders... best. thing. ever. (tiny, but giant, yes? yes.)

Thanks for the little things today, God. I needed that.

Today's official post

2010-12-13T21:39:00.002-06:00

since the one posted earlier was yesterdays...

today was ... a day.
i'd rather not talk about it.
so i won't.

'cuz let's be honest, you don't want the verbal mess of it anyway.
and i'm trying to stay positive so i can face tomorrow.

plus, the study on Hebrews 11 & faith today are lurking in the back of my mind telling me to do that. have faith. and not give up, but keep moving forward.

(plus, God may just have thrown me a bonus...)

Old Movies of Joy

2010-12-13T09:43:00.003-06:00

(ok, so I wrote this post and forgot to post it last night... so technically it's from December 12th, but hey, we knew I'd miss ONE, right?? ;) Moving on...)

tonight marked another wonderful evening at a friend's house (well, actually the house of her and her husband) watching yet another wonderf- well, another old movie, anyway.

Christmas in Connecticut - it was wonderful in that it brought together friends, made us laugh (1945 was apparently an interesting year...and full of inuendo...) at the characters, the story (how many times, when someone walked onto screen, we all went "uh-oh" in the most melodramatic way, i don't know. i should have counted), and the funny lines. don't worry, everything was "hunky-dunky" by the end of the night. ;)

oh, and it was topped off by many sweets - kettle corn, home-made Christmas cookies, home-made peanut brittle, chips & salsa... the list goes on.

perfect end for a crazy week, to be surrounded by friends. even if i did have to drive home in the freezing cold and wind. ;)

sore...but good

2010-12-11T21:17:00.002-06:00

so tired...worked a long day on my feet, but i love seeing the excited kids. and getting nto go to bed early tonight & at least trying to sleep til 9 tomorrow will help wiyth the energy bit. ;) kids say the funniest things...& were super excited for the sleigh rides & the chick-fil-a cow!

i have a feeling with all the snow forecasted tonight from the storm that has dumped 2-3 feet in minnesota...i may not want to go to church tomorrow morning...but i'll be glad once i'm there! plus, as long as its tolerable i have a couple goood things in the afternoon & evening.

i am tired but God is so good.

Rest & Joy

2010-12-10T22:10:00.003-06:00

Found out today that one of the guys i'm praying for is doing better. respirator is out & he recognized his dad & could even give his (dad's) name. praise God!!! AND another friend prayed for the first time because she cares so much about this guy. God is at work!

also, i was given a few hours off this afternoon and properly squandered them away...it was good to focus on nothing for a bit. then i headed over to a couple of friends' house to watch their kids & the kids of their friend as well. so adorable. the new little guy i met wanted to show me everything & have "miss kara" follow him everywhere. i received tons of hugs and love and had fun watching the four of them dancing to the christmas music from a light-up house, and pretend to play the guitar with it. hilarious. and joyful. i love kids. and these are some of my favorites.

thanks to God for rest healing and joy today.

and to you for reading.

(i'm so dedicated to you/this i wrote it out of my droid! ;) oh, the joys of portable technology...)

Trust

2010-12-09T21:42:00.002-06:00

Today was busy, filled with prayer (for many reasons), and long. But it ended well.

I had a very long, trying day. Many things not cooperating (machines, deliveries, etc.) but I had the help of some fabulous volunteers and encouragement and prayer from friends.

In the back of my mind were 2 guys who are struggling to recover from some serious accidents, which became 3 by the end of the day. Crazy times. Plus a friend who's mom is battling cancer.

Prayers going like crazy.
But God is good!

Hot Chocolate Cures Many Ills

2010-12-08T11:09:00.003-06:00

So far today I've had 2 large mugs of flavored (carmel & french vanilla) hot chocolate. I plan to consume cinnamon and mint (and maybe regular) later today.

It was another early morning (earlier than usual) and promises to be a late night (at work, that is). I am trying to keep a positive attitude, which I'm not succeeding at completely (see the last 2 posts), but I'm working on it, and God is keeping me better than I could be (thank You).

The hot chocolate is helping. A lot. So is the promise of a surprise package (whenever it comes - that's the surprise) from a friend of my brothers/favorite vlogger.

Oh, and the memories of Voyage of the Dawn Treader in 3D in all it's fabulousness (thanks to Samaritan's Purse) for free last night. Good movie. Will be seen in the theater again without a doubt.

It's almost halfway through Wednesday; I know I can make it, with God's strength in me, even if does still feel long. :)

Woah

2010-12-07T10:59:00.002-06:00

Today is rough again. And it's only 11:00 in the morning.
Woah.

Friends and co-workers dealing with crappy stuff, and an overall announcement which may end up being difficult for many people. We'll have to wait and see... Not so fun. Prayers continuing so much.

And at the same time, I'm excited because I get to see a fun movie tonight with a friend for free.

The juxtaposition is killing me.
All I've got is... woah.

God, be with me today. I need You.

I don't like this. Not one bit.

2010-12-06T18:47:00.000-06:00

Today was rough.

A friend is losing someone she loves.
Another friend is dealing with a loved one in the hospital.
Another sweet co-worker is dealing with the impending loss of her mother and difficult siblings.

And work is crazy as usual.

Praying like crazy for all the above.

Get me outta here.

Parties

2010-12-05T14:08:00.004-06:00

I have another party to go to today. And I told them I'd help with something, so I'm sort of obligated to go... and I know I'll have a blast once I'm there - good friends, old & new, good food, games, songs (Christmas carols - so classic, so fun), etc.

But right now I just wish I could put on my pj's, hop under a heavy warm blanket and read Mansfield Park and Harry Potter the rest of the day. Perhaps with a cup of hot chocolate.

Well, relationships are important, and promises are made to be kept, not broken. Bring on the fun! ;)

Chicago in Winter

2010-12-04T23:59:00.008-06:00

Dec. 5th time edit: This was posted last night, barely, as you can see from the time stamp, but it didn't go through! Force published it - Goal of BEDID, not lost. ;)

With the snow that fell last night, and the lights in the city, I don't think it can be denied that Chicago is beautiful in the winter. And yes, I failed to take my camera out of my purse, so I have no pictures to prove it.

I was downtown tonight with friends at the Aqua building (gorgeous, I'll point it out for you sometime) to celebrate a good friend's 30th birthday. A few of us met up part way into the evening. The rest had gone to Christkindlmarkt in Daley Plaza, then journeyed to the Aqua building (where the birthday girl works) for homemade pizzas, appetizers, salad, wine, and soda. Mmm. It was rounded out by chocolate fondue for dessert, plus 2 birthday cakes (both delicious, so I hear, though I only had room for one tiny piece). Then we moved to the media room (think small theater) to watch Elf. Of course, the cakes, fondue, sodas, water, wine, and popcorn were available for consumption.

It was a lovely, fabulous evening, the ride there and back was filled with snowy land/cityscapes and Christmas lights on both residences and businesses alike.

Thanks to my friend for having a birthday, and for giving us a place to celebrate it!

Friends, Christmas, & Movies

2010-12-03T08:15:00.002-06:00

Last night a friend agreed to come over when I spontaneously asked her after she spontaneously called me from Walmart.

Then I found Santa Claus is Comin' to Town on ABC. (One of my favorite Christmas movies ever, even if it is "for kids").

She arrived in the middle of it, we finished it out, then popped in a chick flick filled with Amy Adams, and Michael Buble songs.

After she left, I sat in my lovely apartment, enjoying the Christmas decorations I have, reading my book, catching up on some YouTube subs.

All in all, a good way to (almost) end a week that has been trying in many ways. I don't doubt that there will be more trials to come, but the little things like these are what keep you going and get you through. All praise to Him Who knows what He's doing!

hard times

2010-12-02T09:47:00.001-06:00

today's a hard one. not sure if i'll be able to write more, including this evening, because i may end up working until i fall asleep. not my ideal, for sure.

thankfully, i have plans with a friend tomorrow night, so this won't be 2 days in a row... i hope.

wow, this is not a good post for BEDID #2... sorry, folks. it's all i've got today.
God will see me through. this i know.

It's...

2010-12-01T11:31:00.004-06:00

...beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
...also been almost a month since i've written. oops.

Well, today is the 1st of December, and I have a new plan. You perhaps have heard of NaBloPoMo? or NaNoWriMo? I tried NaNoWriMo. I failed...in terms of writing 50,000 words in a month's time. But I won in terms of starting my book. And getting into a groove with it, to where it'll be hard to let go of, even if it takes a long time to finish. I did not try NaBloPoMo.

So... How 'bout I try BEDID (Blog Every Day In December)? Even if it's only a sentence? I'll give it a go! You can count on much being said about Christmas, snow, winter in general, Christmas music, etc. (I love Christmas, in case you didn't remember!)

Today is the 1st of December. It is also the 1st snow (at all, and that is sticking a little) in my corner of the world (which isn't really a corner...). It is the 1st day with a high below 30. And, it is the 1st day I could crack open and eat one of those cheap little chocolates from my store-bought advent calendar.

Feels like a day for 1sts and for wins. ;)

I'm a writer...

2010-11-05T22:05:00.001-05:00

hehe. :)

Info.

prayer is SO important.

2010-11-03T22:47:00.008-05:00

An excerpt from a blog I've been following for awhile now, from the father of a 2-year-old with Neuroblastoma.

"I miss Charley. I miss home. I miss a bed which doesn’t wake me up literally every other hour with messed up shoulder pain. I’m tired. We’re both tired. We’ve been exhausted for a year. We’re doing everything we need to be doing, I know that. I know all the comforting words and viewpoints, I know this too shall pass, and I know we’re where we need to be right now. It just sucks, the whole thing of it. Days kind of just pass, you never know which day of the week it is or what hour. I’m hungry… what meal should I be eating right now? That sort of thing. You know when you’re really tired and you get that ache behind your eyes feeling? I feel that more often than I don’t."

Charley's their other son - one from a set of twins. His twin only made it here for a week before going home to Jesus.

Pray for Kyle & Robyn.
They amaze me, but they need His strength & our prayers.
More info, from the source: thematthe wsstory.com

Shadow of the Ocean

2010-10-30T03:10:00.001-05:00

a short story. (here)
just in time for Halloween...

(and a product of my sleeplessness tonight/this morning...)
reading time: approx. 10 minutes

feedback in the comments!

NaNoWriMo 2010

2010-10-30T01:42:00.003-05:00

I've decided to join the challenge this year...

What is it? Click here.
How am I doing? Click here. (Remember, it doesn't start until November 1.)

(and no, 1:42 a.m. is NOT a typo...)

I just had to...

2010-10-29T13:57:00.004-05:00

Wanted to take a second to say:

Christmas is LESS than 2 months away!!!
Wahoo!!!

*ahem*
Writing continues, but as I'm getting NO feedback from anyone (interest or otherwise), I may never finish... This puts to test my "self-starter" and "self-motivator" skills... or lack thereof...

thoughts if you've got 'em.
and maybe someday you'll read if I write. xD

writing update!

2010-10-21T23:58:00.003-05:00

Yikes-a-bee! 2 posts in 1 day? Is the world ending? How long's it been since that happened?? (ok, so it's almost tomorrow, but I squeaked it in!)

I need another paragraph (or two) in Chapter 1. I don't think it's long enough, but I've said about all I wanted to, and don't feel like faking it to make it what I think is "long enough." Also, I need about 15-20 (on the conservative side) more chapters. I may need as many as 25 or 30 more. But that might be a little overboard for my first novel.

In other(ish) yet related news...
Can you start chapter 2 before you finish chapter 1? (I know it's physically, mentally possible, but something about it just feels wrong, you know?)

All in all, I feel like I accomplished something tonight. I *ahem* kept moving forward. (want 10 points? tell me where that's from. want 25? tell me the original it was derived from.)

Feels good, writing. I'll be doing it some more, I think.
Oh! And don't forget to give me your feedback on this.

Writing

2010-10-21T12:50:00.004-05:00

Remember this?

Yeah, me too.
Well, I've taken a bit of an unplanned hiatus in all things writing. This blog, for example, has been sadly mute in October. Plus, I haven't written anything new in the other thing for over 2 weeks.

I plan to end that sad streak tonight.
I still haven't decided if you get to read any of it before I "put it out there"... or ever, for that matter.

Would you be interested? Do you even want to know what it's about?
Let me know. I'd be interested in your interest.

Piratey Things

2010-10-20T14:25:00.000-05:00

Comin' your way.

AAAAARRRRRGH!!!

You've been missing

2010-10-12T14:23:00.001-05:00

No. Wait. I have.

It's mid-October, and I haven't written but once. And it was basically just a tagging off of someone else's written thoughts.

Fail.

(Christmas is in 73 days!)
You KNOW you wanted to know that! :)

another reason to love Owl City

2010-10-04T19:02:00.004-05:00

as if you needed that.

1. great music (we already knew this)
2. down to earth and honest (read the blog or listen to the lyrics)
3. thinking about/mentioning winter at the beginning of October.

win, Owl City. win.
now i know i wasn't the first - but i'll probably be the second. ;)

if i'm missing... don't be alarmed

2010-09-27T23:42:00.003-05:00

it's because i'm typing thoughts somewhere else for a bit.
but not in another blog, no.
i have begun.
writing, that is.
if you have no idea what i'm talking about, read the last post first.

i started saturday evening. i dinked around with making a cover, coming up with a pen name that could technically link to mine, changing the cover color about 5 times; you know, the important stuff.

but i had an idea that popped into my head. so i started typing. before i realized it, i had too many ideas, and not enough congruency. don't worry. i stopped typing. i made notes to myself. i thought about characters. i thought about plot. i thought about locations, relationships, how in the world i'm gonna get this person or that person to that place - and not just on time, but ever!

on sunday afternoon, i added a paragraph, plus one line. and i changed some stuff on the cover. namely, my pen name. but that paragraph came so easily. i had opened it to re-read what i had written the day before, expecting to think it was worthless, delete it, and move on with my life. instead, things started happening, and i had to type them before they ran away.

tonight, i have realized what authors mean when they say they don't always know the entire story when they begin. i understand how a character can surprise you. for example, tonight, as i re-read the page from this weekend, and began to elaborate on the circumstances (as they presented themselves to my brain), i discovered that one of my main characters has lost both parents. i certainly didn't intend to do that. i even said to myself "really? no parents? they're gone?" out loud. (yes, out loud.) but no matter how i tried to "fix" it, i couldn't find the parents. they're gone. before i even had a chance to find them.

i am 1 1/2 pages in, complete with a cover, a title, a pen name, an author description (don't worry, it's short), and a back cover overview (do i want to read this book? i dunno, let me read the back and see what it's all about).

so far, i'm amazed. it's coming out when i think it won't. it's sort of writing itself. i know it won't always be that way. but so far, i'm liking it.

so if i'm missing from here more than i usually am, don't be alarmed. just keep your eyes pealed for a new book out soon. i may even give you hints along the way. ;)

to write or not to write

2010-09-23T21:00:00.003-05:00

I have always wanted to write.
a book. a short story. a something.

I love (love) books.
kids' books. short stories. novellas. non-fiction (some). fiction (much). articles (of interest).
one of my favorite things to read is the smithsonian magazine - cultures, nature, opinions. interesting, always.

so, I have always had stories creating themselves in my mind. a few times I've tried to write them out. I haven't done so well with that part. it's really hard. I start second-guessing myself. I don't have an education that taught me to write. I struggled immensely in my british lit class in college - I loved the reading, but had a really tough time writing about what I'd read, what I'd discovered in reading.

I love to type. (strange, I know.)
sometimes I do typing tests just for fun.
part of the reason for this blog is so I can write, and type.
it's silly, it doesn't fulfill any purpose other than thinking, getting ideas out of my head, sharing it with the few people who care to stumble across this page from time to time.
once, I started re-typing a book I enjoyed (and still do) just to get rid of the turn of phrase that annoys me that that particular author uses in everything she writes. I never finished (it was a short enough book, but looong to type), and wouldn't have done anything with it - but it was a release. it was fun.

tonight, I found myself wishing I could write better.
maybe I should just start.
even if no one but me ever sees it.
it'll be work.
it'll be a release.
but I think it could be fun.

Good Stuff from a Friend

2010-09-22T10:27:00.002-05:00

Read this.
It's good. Really good.

I thought it was fall...

2010-09-22T10:22:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the first day of fall.

It was also almost 90 degrees in chicagoland.
and yet, in my freezing office, i was wearing a wool sweater for most of the day.

WHAT?

today's high is 80ish, tomorrows, again, near 90.

This. Is. Not. Fall.
CoME oN FalL! I'm WaitINg, and NonE tOo pATienTLy!

all i can say is

2010-09-20T15:10:00.001-05:00

shoot.

it's not Tuesday, it's Monday, but here.
i'm again faced with this feeling.
and this one, too.

i hate it.
a lot.

make it go away.
please?

September is the new August

2010-08-31T20:24:00.003-05:00

My dear friend has this...well, it's not a saying, it's more a fact that most people in her life know. August is busy, crazy busy, and just plain crazy. The two of us talk to each other several times during the week - sometimes more than once per day - but in August, you can see the proverbial tumbleweeds rolling across the dusty, western type streets. Communication is at the lowest possible, all that is heard are the necessary cries for help and extra prayer to get through the day.

I realized today that my September is similar to her August. However, mine is not just one month. It is stretched to include the last two weeks of August. I just want summer to be over - isn't that awful?? (It is still too hot, so even though some people are starting to be sad that it's fall, it still feels like summer to me - when it's 93 degrees, I just can't call it fall, sorry.) I am so busy, it's crazy. It all needs to be done, it's not worthless (for the most part), but it's crazy busy. And, of course, there literally isn't enough time in a day. Some days I actually contemplate grabbing the blanket from the back of my chair, and the sweater too, and curling up on a pew in the sanctuary for awhile before I have to get back to work. I have actually been asked (several times over the past few years, and by more than one person) where my room is, where my bed is, if I live there (in jest, of course, but seriously? this has to be an issue...) It's shocking that I've had a few posts now in the last couple weeks, but of course, I've not been sleeping well...

So, there are only 2 things keeping September in a positive light:
1. my birthday
2. my niece's birthday

That, and, of course, the fact that God is truly in control.
Even (and especially) when it's crazy.
Bring it on.

Musings on my Strange Soft Spot

2010-08-26T23:18:00.010-05:00

*before you get any wrong ideas, read thoroughly. please.*
**it may get long...you have been forewarned.**
(ok, wow, I could write a book, apparently. plan to take breaks unless you have 10-12 minutes to spare.)

I have always had a heart that goes out to those kids (well, people) with special needs (especially kids; but when we face it, those kids grow up, and they are some of the sweetest people I've ever met as adults) or who have a disability of some kind.

I have had very little interaction with these folks. Because of that, I am (a bit?) nervous around them. It has nothing to do with them, though. I think (when I try to examine the inner workings of my mind) that it's because I'm afraid I'll hurt them or offend them, which I want desperately not to do.

When I was in college, a friend babysat regularly for a family whose youngest (of 3) had Down Syndrome. She was the most adorable, precious, sweet little girl I'd ever seen/heard stories about. I couldn't get her off my mind.

I worked in the bookstore on campus, and one week that year, we had a clearance sale - and staff got first pick. I randomly found a book of pictures - pencil drawings, portraits of these beautiful people - many of whom had disabilities of some kind, several with Down Syndrome. I read the intros and poured over the pictures for hours that weekend. Literally. Their faces are an open book. No hidden agenda, it's all right there. Rarely do you see such intense interest in anything once a person is above the age of ... well, 3 or 4. Rarely do you see such pure joy - especially over the simplest (and yet most amazing) things. I love that book. It's on a shelf in my home, and I stumble on it from time to time and pour over it all over again.

Yesterday night, when I was exhausted, but unable to sleep, I browsed through the Netflix Instant Viewing library of documentaries (I had talked to a friend about documentaries this past weekend, and thought I'd see if there were any I wanted to watch sometime). I found one about a guy with Down Syndrome, made by his childhood friend when they were older (and still good friends). I added it to my queue thinking I'd watch it "someday." Tonight, I jumped on Netflix (ah, happiness) to watch a little something before getting ready for bed. I hadn't thought about watching a documentary. I was thinking 'half-hour cartoon/show/something stupid' to unwind. But nothing hit me right. I kept going in circles, unable to make a decision...except I kept coming back to Up Syndrome. So I decided to start it (on Netflix, it's about an hour long). I watched about 15 minutes before I had to make a statement on Facebook about how wonderful it is, complete with the link to the trailer. I watched 35 minutes before I could make myself turn it off to attempt the other stuff I needed to do.

While watching it, I went in my room for a blanket/sweatshirt (windows open, breezy, I was cold), and I saw the shelf. That shelf. I pulled the book. I poured. The inspiration hit. I started writing.

I went back and forth.
Do I write this?
How do I do it so I don't offend anyone?
How do I make myself clear on what I do/feel/think, when I'm still not 100% sure that I've got it all figured out?

Isn't that the point of this whole thing? To wonder about stuff? To get out the feelings, the thoughts, the ideas?

YES. Yes, it is.

Most people know I have a HUGE soft spot for kids. I love them. They are hilarious, they are sweet, they are funny. They can be crazy, rude, disrespectful (I mostly blame the parents, but sin, of course, is a large factor too), naughty. But they are precious. They see so many things so simply. I can connect with a child so quickly, so deeply. When they hurt, it makes me hurt. I want to make everything better for them - not easy, better. I want each child to grow up strong, faithful, knowing that God is so much bigger than even they can imagine - and they can imagine much more than most of us.

Kids with disabilities like Down Syndrome (or any - physical, mental, emotional - for that matter) strike me the same way - and yet differently. Their lives are so much more complicated in some ways, so much more simple in others. The life experience they've been dealt is a direct result of sin in the world - what did they do to deserve it? No more than I did to be where I am.

Again, when I was in college, there was this great place where many developmentally disabled people live and work. They also work in several of the businesses in the area, including the local Panera, McDonalds, and on campus at the dining hall and the student center. One of my classes required time in a small group (3 college students, 3 friends from this place, and their 2 helpers) 2-3 times per week for the majority of the semester. I can only remember one of their names, but they were amazing. The sweet girl was so quiet, but if you got her going on something she liked, man, she could be occupied for hours - she'd even get up enough courage to tell you almost a sentence and a half about it. Daniel on the other hand, was by far the most outgoing. He wanted to make sure you knew as much as he did about everything around him. He told us about each day at work when we saw him. He told us about shooting pool and how to make sure the balls went in the holes. He loved to walk from the cafeteria to the rec center. The days he was not smiling were few and far between.

Ok, so back to my statement about being nervous around these special people. I have realized as I wrote this that I have had more interaction than I thought. There was also a handful of little kids at my church (nursery through early elementary) that I had (minimal to weekly) interaction with over the past few "ministry seasons" (years). One LOVED to tell jokes of any kind, especially the kind that make no sense whatsoever. One was a sweet infant who smiled more than any other baby I've seen - including the one I'm biased about. One was always jumping and running to his classroom to learn about Jesus. So awesome. Maybe part of my issue is that it's still a new person - someone I don't know yet. I have some shyness in that way (regardless of age or gender or anything else), and it can present itself in a stand-off-ish, I'm-too-good-for-you, or I-don't-know-how-to-handle-you kind of way sometimes (so I've been told). I think this is magnified by the reasons I listed earlier. I really don't want anyone I am interacting with to feel rejected, on the fringe, like an outcast, or that their being included because "I have to." I want them to feel loved. To feel wanted. To see God through me.

Pray for these people. They are often misunderstood. Pray for their families. They have been through much together. Pray for others around them, that interactions would be positive, not negative. Pray for the church, that it would not have a reputation of neglecting these important souls. Love these people. It's one of the best things you can do.

I recommend looking at the pictures from the book (see link above). I recommend watching at least part of the documentary if you can find it (link above, another one here.)

One last thought. I have contemplated through the years the idea of adoption. Since college, that thought has included the thought of a special needs child. Now, I know I am no where near ready to do any kind of adopting at this point. I don't know if that is even something God wants for me. It scares me to think I could be a parent to a child (naturally or otherwise) with such needs that I know so little about. But I would rather figure it out, leaning on God (with my future spouse; I don't really think I'd like to parent alone if I had the choice), and loving that child to the best of HIS ability. It is a ... thing ... in my heart. I don't have a good word. I don't know if it's a desire. All I know is, I love to love kids. I love to help them learn and grow. I love to see them making sense of things, figuring it out. I love seeing them singing praises to Jesus (I'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it). If God wants me to be the parent of a child who has extra hurdles to jump, I don't want to be closed to the idea. I want to embrace it, that sweet child, my family, and Him, and see what amazing things He can do.

All praises be to the King of kings, and the Lord of lords, He is wonderful!
Revelation 19

Please read this, it'll do you good

2010-08-24T09:41:00.010-05:00

as it did me.
(click here)
good writing, interesting as always.

don't have a long attention span/a lot of time?
start immediately after the lists, read to the bottom.

then listen to this:
Meteor Shower, by Owl City

favorite lines, courtesy of Adam:
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don’t let me go
I desperately need You

Going into Monday...

2010-08-22T22:57:00.002-05:00

As I prepare to head to bed, I thought I'd better get these -ahem- thoughts down before I forgot. Because I think I'll need to remember them a few times this week.

I serve a great and mighty God, Who has gone above and beyond anything I can even imagine - I can't even come close to actually comprehending what He's done for me - and how much He loves me. He has given me gifts (relationships with people, helping others, singing, playing the piano, listening, praying, I could sit and think of more, but let's move on) that I can use better than someone who hasn't got those gifts from Him. My responsibility is to do the very best that I can in this world, in the situations that present themselves on a weekly, daily, hourly (minutely?) basis. As long as that is my goal (glorifying Him by using the gifts He's graciously given me), there is no such thing as failure. No matter what does or does not get accomplished in this place, in the world, in my life, my job, my relationships with others, if (IF) I am truly doing my best FOR HIM, I cannot fail. He won't let me fall and smudge His Name. I do not (absolutely do not, no chance, no question about it) have enough strength or force of will to do that day in day out - sometimes even hour or minute in or out - but He does.

Therein lies my confidence. My ability to persevere. My ability to continually pray to the One Who is my Rock, my Strength, my Guide, my Protector, my Savior, my Peace. Because of these things (promises He's made to me - not that it'll be easy, but that He will never leave my side), I can be content in Him. It doesn't mean I have to like the situation(s), but I have to trust Him, have confidence in Him. And because I know that He's the One in charge, I can be truly fearless in the fact that I am His, He is mine (!), and He knows what's gonna happen even when I don't (which is almost always). Peace that transcends understanding. Contentment.

Glory to God, forever.

It's a good time for a pick-me-up

2010-08-17T21:41:00.005-05:00

And these things did the trick:
1. conversation with a wonderful friend
2. prayers of that friend, and another, both of whom love me
3. dinner and conversation with my dad and my youngest brother (on his first night back from the uk)
4. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (stupid, silly, wonderful
cartoon -thanks to Hulu)
5. The Smurfs (classic) (thanks to Hulu, again)
6. Little Dorrit, BBC version (always the best)
7. finishing Blue Like Jazz (hoping to anyway)
8. all of this with windows open (day 2), no air on all day
(freshness, joy)
9. the idea of a donut breakfast in the morning...

Hopefully, it'll last me through... Friday, when I get to see yet another friend, whom I've not seen since May!

Headache? Yes.
Surviving? Because God is good.

PIck up the Phone

2010-08-17T08:56:00.005-05:00

This is my new ringtone.
Recently (re)discovered Hoops & Yoyo.

*happy sigh*
AND, they have an app - not just for the ever-ahead-iPhone, but also for my Droid.

*happier sigh*
followed by
*huge grin*

Yes, this post is a shout out

2010-08-14T01:40:00.003-05:00

to the fabulous Alicia.

I just can't help it.
this is the best, and i'm pretty sure our life's goal will now be to make her/my plan (see this post, and my comment to it) work out. and soon.

*sigh of contentment*

*eye-rolling of knowing-it'll-be-hard-to-make-happen (and doubt)*

The missing posts

2010-08-10T12:47:00.004-05:00

Yes, they exist... but this isn't it.

I will post soon, giving details of events gone by, vacations taken, and general thoughts...beware...they could get long... (!)

This is just a (little) note to assure that I have not (as some might believe) gone missing, or anything of the sort to scare or alarm you.

Sit tight, we're in the (next) busy season (Reason #1, and thus partial reason for not posting much). Reason #2 is that my computer has decided it doesn't like to work. At least not long enough to make it worth trying. So, I'll be saving oodles of money to make it happen... sometime... Until then, I'll either fight it or write snipits during my "break" at work.

The promise to return has been given. Trust it. ;)

It's another "Crazy Day"...

2010-07-19T17:39:00.005-05:00

Well, I couldn't get this to embed... so, click here.

90 degrees is far too hot, it causes stream of consciousness

2010-07-07T14:55:00.005-05:00

i feel like it's been forever since i last wrote...

but it was less than a week ago.

seriously?
yes.

and, two of my last three posts were about the World Cup.
sorry about that. (but not really)
it's almost over, and then you won't hear about it so much anymore.
but no guarantees i'll quit writing about REAL football. ;)

it's been 90 degrees for the past, well, almost week. or at least it's been flirting with 90 that long. and it has gone over that mark more than twice. i hate it. really. i enjoy the sun, i enjoy warm weather, i like to go swimming, take walks, etc. But when it's 90, you can't do any of that. cuz afterward you feel gross, hot and sticky, even dizzy because you're dehydrated. yuck. my ideal would be 72-76. i think. although mid-60s is real nice too. and of course, snow.

i think i want a puppy. but i have no yard or time to train it. i think i want a kitten. but i have no time to train it, and no real space for it anyway. i would name my puppy... pookie. or lucy. or maybe dopey. cuz i like that dwarf. i would name my kitten mittens. or sunny. or something rat pack like sammy or dean.

and i've been reading this blog and it's so SO great, and it makes me smile EVERY time. everytime.

i'm going to see my dear friend TOMORROW. i can't wait. we're gonna see a movie. we're gonna do some shopping. the kind i like. i can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT.

time to get back to work.
i guess.

do you ever feel like...

2010-07-01T17:30:00.009-05:00

wow. this post is completely empty. it has some interesting tags.
i see it was started on July 1... it is now July 7, not July 1.

i wonder why it never got written.

i wonder what it was supposed to be about.

edit (made 20 seconds after writing the above): i think it had to do with how different it would be to live in the 1800s or early 1900s in the USA without all the communication and such we have now. to be "stuck" in nature. either as a colonist, or something similar, or in a tribe. which is starting to make me think about living in remote parts of countries today that probably feel similar. hm...

The Sad Truth

2010-06-30T11:03:00.002-05:00

Hello World Cup Fans (and the rest of you),
Yes, the sad truth is that USA is out. SO, I thought I'd go for England. Too bad, Joe. They're out too. So now, I've been getting suggestions for who to be for during the remainder of (their stay at) the Cup.

So far votes have been Germany, España, Netherlands, and "anyone but Brazil"... It's become a debate in my head between Germany (my aunt lived there for 20 years, so I'm fairly partial, plus I have German blood from both sides of the family, AND my cousin studied there for a semester) and España (Spain, because of another cousin - the sister of aforementioned Germany-going cousin - who studied in Spain, and teaches Español in LA). But there have been 3 votes for NEDs and ... I just don't know.

Maybe I'll just waffle on those 3 until it's down to the final, and then be stuck if any of them are the 2 at the top...

World Cup Goodness

2010-06-24T09:33:00.011-05:00

It's World Cup time, folks, and I couldn't be happier.

USA won not only their game yesterday, but in doing so, won the top of their group as well.

I was 'only' watching the scrolling ticker at Emirates MatchCast since I was at *ahem* work....(to steal my cousin's words "World Cup > Adulthood responsibility.") This was wonderful, even if it was just as stressful as actually watching it - and probably better, 'cuz it's easier to tear yourself away from text rather than the *actual* viewing of the game (as my cousin well knows) so I guess I'm secretly glad (?) for the inability to download the necessary software to use espn3 online.

Highlights (missed goals until THE highlight at around the 1:30 mark).

So stressful to "watch" this game - I was more vocal than I would have thought, rrr-ing and groaning at my computer screen and scaring the ladies in my office (until they got clarification that I was following the USA and ENG matches, and further clarification (!) that that was World Cup 'Soccer'...after which I was labeled "so cute"...).

But they won, and they're on to the Round of 16.
GO USA.

And, in case you're wondering where all the other countries stand (so far) check it out here at FIFA's official site. Time for the happy dance: so much football!!!

"Vacation"

2010-06-17T11:36:00.003-05:00

This afternoon I head to Minnesota (yessss) for 4 glorious days of time with God in nature, study, and rest. And to see the grandparents too. I'm praying to be refreshed, rejuvenated, encouraged, to learn and grow, to enjoy His creation. I know He will deliver. God is good. Of course, this means next week is a short one (only 3 work days), followed by a Friday visit to see my sweet niece, sister (-in-law) and brother. The next day I will either spend more time with them, or be going to the Indiana dunes with friends. Back to work for a week, then it's a 4 day weekend for 4th of July - making another short work week, followed by Leash & Kara's Day-o-Fun (part...ok, honestly we've really lost count...) which is ALWAYS a good, much needed time!!

This is shaping up to be a good month.

In other news...

2010-06-10T21:14:00.001-05:00

The World Cup has (almost) started.

woot. (!!!)

Do you like the rain?

2010-06-10T21:00:00.004-05:00

I do.

Found this quote the other day...
"I love the way the air smells right after it rains. I don't love running around with bare feet outside and stepping on the occasional hapless and ill-fated earthworm, but as unfortunate as it is inauspicious, accidents *do* happen." Found this blog, read it, laughed out loud several times, thanks Adam.

I also was VERY tempted to take a walk in the rain that fell all day on Tuesday, but alas, did not have time before it quit. :*(

So now, you have been treated to a new look for my blog. Well, I have treated myself, and you are stuck with it.

Whaddya think?
(about the blog and the rain, I guess.) :oD

Not a dry spell

2010-06-08T16:37:00.006-05:00

but close.

I feel the need for a new post here. (done... sort of)
I also feel the need for pictures to be posted (on facebook) of all the business (busy-ness) I had in May.

I think today is not quite that that day.

My personal laptop has endured (albeit somewhat lethargically) for 4 years. It has been defragged, wiped and rebuilt from beyond factory settings, it has virus protection software up the wazoo. It is soooo slow. It refuses to open any program without a 10 minute delay. Minimum. It won't play music without a weird echo or skipping sound - even with a cd that I know is fine (if I play it in a cd player, no problem). On top of that, my iPod decided it was a good time to die. Yup. Can't listen to or add music. Didn't know it was having issues when I tried to add a new album to it, and lost what was on it - had to reset it to factory settings. Didn't help. Now it has nothing on it. I believe the hard drive went bad...and I am past my 2 year warranty so I can't get it fixed unless I want to pay (practically) enough to just get a new one.

SO I can't get on the internet at home, and am too frustrated to try anything else. 2-3 hours for 2-3 days is more than enough trying.

Which puts us at the lack of internet access at home limiting time to post ... *ahem*... posts or pictures, or anything.

Time to save tons of money for a Macbook and new iPod.
Maybe I can get one sometime in the next 5 years.

Wow. this turned into a real post...
Look for a new one in a couple weeks.
(next weekend i'm going to minnesota!)

Anticipation

2010-05-27T12:55:00.002-05:00

i have fridays off. starting tomorrow. continuing through (most) of july and one week into august.

i am very excited.

this week it is long overdue. i need it more than i know. which is funny to say, cuz i know i need it, but need it even more than that. oops, i just said that.

plans for the weekend (sat & sun will be VERY busy):
clean house. desperately need to. hope to see my bro on friday. we'll see if the plans work out. rehearsal on saturday afternoon. followed by the wedding of two dear friends. followed by their reception. which promises to be awesome. followed by sleep. followed by early call on sunday morning. followed by a meeting after the 11:00 service. followed by a connections bbq at church with friends. then exhaustion will set in and i will crash. monday is memorial day, and i may see family for breakfast...but again, we'll see if plans pan out. the only other plan on friday and/or monday is to rest, read my Bible (beginning a study of Philippians), and REST.

wish me luck.

Really, Tuesday?

2010-05-25T09:35:00.007-05:00

Run away!
Run away!

edit: today, I need this.

Planning to Dive In

2010-05-20T14:35:00.009-05:00

I have felt lately that my daily (ok, ok, weekly) devotions have not been what they should be (ahem: weekly...) and that part of the problem is that I have lost interest in what I'm studying.

I've been going through the Bible with the help of a yearly journal for 2 1/2 years now. I still am learning and gaining insight. I still believe that God is using the passages to teach me what I need to learn. Lately the theme has been the same (for several we- well, months actually) and it's coming from passages I have definitely read before - so there's your proof. Plus, it's sorta cool that those lesser-read passages are becoming more and more familiar.

However. I truly think that at the moment I'm just "going through the motions" and not in a good way. I want to dive in. I want to be challenged. I want to become more of a leader. I want to have to work harder at knowing my amazing God. Right now I kinda feel like I'm just floating. I'm doing what I have to, what I know is right. And I think that's an ok place to start, even an ok place to get to sometimes; but it's NOT ok to stay there once you realize you're there.

A few ... months?... ago I started reading these two books. I was so excited about them. But life got busy, and I put them under my table in a shoulder bag and haven't looked at them since. Until this morning. I only read a few paragraphs out of Deep Church, but I am already excited to get back into it and thinking through these things again. (While looking for the post to link about these books, I found this good reminder to myself... sheesh. How quickly I forget.)

Also, as recently shared, I began reading Crazy Love. This is another good one - full of great things to think through. I am seeing God working in my head and heart already through what I'm reading and what my small group discusses as a result.

I'm planning on getting a commentary and making my own Bible study. I need something that refuses to be surface. Something that will make me think it through things I may not have noticed before. Something that requires that I don't swallow it whole as truth, but interact with it and with The Truth so I come out more like Jesus. I'm not sure what book I'll be studying yet - I'll be figuring that out tonight - but probably something written by Paul to begin. We'll see...

Life has gotten a little nuts lately and I feel like I'm lost in a very dark cave on a very narrow bridge with no light to help guide me - just faith and trust in my great God (my!). I found another quote from myself that I found looking for appropriate posts to link is this one, and it's a little crazy, cuz this is where I am (again) but I sure didn't have this direct deliberate thought in my head. I've just been thinking 'take a step forward cuz what else can I do?' which is good, but without the remembering of WHY I'm doing that, it's still too depressing.

"it's scary. there isn't a path defined for me to follow. but i know Who i'm following, and have absolute faith in Him - no matter how scary it gets."

Thank God for this reminder. And for the desire to know Him better.

Don't Forget

2010-05-19T18:01:00.003-05:00

I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Great book. Good challenges. Awesome perspective on our great God.

"...maybe life is tough right now, and everything feels like a struggle... But in the presence of God, He gives us a deeper peace and joy that transcends it all."

"Your part is to bring Him glory... The point of your life is to point to Him."

"I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."

"Are you ready?"

"...nothing matters except our King and God."

"Don't let yourself forget. Soak it in and keep remembering that it is true. He is everything."

Well today just got... interesting

2010-05-19T15:46:00.001-05:00

But I can't tell you why. (sorry)

and i'm not sure i like it.
yikes.

Also, this just in...

2010-05-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Where are you going next year?

Further Thoughts on Minimalism

2010-05-18T16:01:00.006-05:00

While reading the 30 page free preview (online) of Everett's book, there were many things to ponder. I'm on page 25, so I'm almost at the end without buying the whole book from him, (which I'm not quite ready to do yet) but he has many great points, and many ideas that are going to keep me thinking and re-evaluating for several days (at least).

He talks a lot about how to think about things, how to spend. The cheapest price is not always the best place to spend your money. He hints at (which I'm sure he goes into in detail further into the book) how to cook well for a healthy and minimalist lifestyle. There is much more, and some of it I won't be able to share without purchasing and reading the entire book. We'll see.

One of my favorite things I read so far from it was this:

The minimalist path
I've found that my own life, my journey through minimalist living has a cyclical pattern. some years i have more stuff, others I've purged everything.

Not everyone needs to take being minimalist to the extreme that I am right now. you'll find that some areas of your life could use some simplification, while others may need to just be left alone.

I know I'll be pondering this for quite some time.

Ideas, Blogs, Changes, & Minimalism

2010-05-18T15:01:00.001-05:00

I have been working on re-vamping my blog (in case you hadn't noticed). I'm not done, and there are some things I'm still trying to figure out. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't know if it will even have any real effect other than making me mildly more pleased with what I do in my spare time. But there it is, and this is where we begin.

The result is this: I have been reading several blogs the past couple days as a research method for figuring out how to edit my own and make it more user friendly, more professional looking, etc. This included some for fun (and because I like how their blog is arranged), some by chance, some because I like their ideas and check in regularly to hear the newest musings, and some because they were recommended by those I trust.

I browsed around this site for awhile to see what this guy was all about. I haven't read it all yet (don't know if I will), and I haven't even fully formulated what I think of him, or whether I agree with all his ideas. Still, it's food for thought, and as I try to continually grow and become more the person I should be, I am excited to see/hear new ideas and gain insight from others. I've browsed the free sample of his e-book, and downloaded (though not yet read all of) his newest writing about starting a movement. Check out the free e-book here.

One of the most recent posts from my friend was pretty thought provoking. I have never thought about guest-posting. I don't know how I would go about that. I don't have tons of interaction with 'online friends' and most people who read this blog are friends or family that know me in 'real life'. I don't even know if I want this to get that big, that demanding of my time.

Then, because the most recent perusal has been from mr. minimalist, I was contemplating if that lifestyle was something I would ever be able to do myself. Would I be able to de-clutter my life to less than 100 things? Would I be able to support myself? What would I be willing to give up or change to see this happen? More importantly: What are my personal life goals? What does that look like if I am taking action to make them reality? Is all this thinking just that and nothing else? And if that's the case, should I knock it off and get back to work?

But it's interesting, and worth thinking about anyway. It makes me wonder if there is any way I could be good enough at this to 'accidentally' (or even purposely for that matter) earn my entire income (or even a bonus part of it) from writing online. I haven't looked into how to actually make that happen, and I don't know that I want to get there. I mean, it would be nice to have some extra money coming in because of the time I spend getting my thoughts out, and trying to bring something worthwhile to the board. However, that's not the goal here. The goal is what you're reading right now. Getting it out.

Thoughts? Reactions?
I'd appreciate your input.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (part last)

2010-05-11T15:51:00.006-05:00

Today was the day.

Had the time to say what was needed.
God gave me the clarity (or enough) of words and thoughts.

I didn't lose it.

I was honest. I didn't sugar coat or leave anything out.
I know the only reason it went that well was because of all the people praying for us and our Amazing God who does it all.

I already feel the lifting of the burden. I know that going forward it will be better. I know I am truly valued. I know that I am worth working through things (and so is the other). It was difficult, but the frustration has lifted, and though I'm sure it will resurface at times, I know that I can bring it up and re-confront it more easily, and know that it is maintenance and something we both want to keep good. We are starting with a clean, forgiven slate, covered by love for each other (as sisters in Christ), and the Love that supports us above all else (God).

Today, I will go home feeling less burdened and stressed than I have in a long time.
Thanks be to God!

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 3)

2010-05-10T11:24:00.007-05:00

I think today's the day.

Please be praying:
-clear thoughts (me)
-clear words (me)
-clear explanations and examples (me)
-understanding (other)
-listening ears (both)
-hearing heart (both)
-willingness to strive to make it better (both)

(and I don't wanna.)

edit: it's now 4:51 p.m. The conversation barely started. Then it was stopped. At the time, I was grateful for the respite, and the promise of tomorrow. I then (30 minutes later) realized I was running - even if not as far as usual. I decided to call a friend and ask her to pray that I was making the right decision. I went down. The decision was made for me. The other was gone. Now, I am frustrated. And irritated. Pray that tomorrow this will happen, regardless of feelings or emotions or lack of time. Pray for all the things listed above. With His help, I know I will be blameless and above reproach. With His help, I know I will have the strength to do this.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 2)

2010-05-06T16:05:00.007-05:00

Well.

Today (unexpectedly) the process began.
And so far, there is concern for what could be said, and a desire (from the other party, as well as me) to have a good resolution, and make sure offense has not been caused (or taken). I told this person I was still thinking through everything in my head, and was not prepared to jump into the conversation (assuming I still think there needs to be one once I'm done thinking and praying about it) before I had time to really get through it all between myself and God. This positive (and slightly concerned) reaction makes me feel like it is worth attempting, but I really do strongly think that I need to finish really picking apart what is merely my mind issue and what needs to be addressed together. I even admitted that I would rather run away, but that I know that's not healthy for either of us(!).

I covet your prayers as I try to figure out the right way to move forward, and the timing of the conversation, and my words as they come out in the conversation. Pray also for the ears and heart that hear it (and mine, of course).

I thank my great God for His help in timing, and the very specific question I was asked that caused this start to the process. I don't honestly know if I would have started this (though I need to, and know it) without His push.

And we're off...

Conflict(s)... resolution...

2010-05-04T17:12:00.003-05:00

What is your default?
Mine is to run away (avoid).
totally and completely.

and i have to stop that.
and it's hard.
and i don't want to (i want to run away from not running away).

and i know i should go bring it up.
regardless of what may happen (tears, frustration, etc. - or not).
and i don't want to.

but i think i have to.

Welcome to May!

2010-05-03T11:08:00.001-05:00

It's the first Monday of May.

I have a very busy (exciting) month coming up - weddings of people I love, my youngest brother's graduation from college - and am pretty much booked until June. I am looking forward to it all!

And... today I am giddy.
I have found myself giggling (literally) about silly things - sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm giggling about. I don't know how long it will last. I just know that so far today, I'm feeling ok, despite the decisions and thoughts that are still undecided and rolling around in my head.

Thank you, God Almighty, for this start to the week.

Everything Falls (lyrics post)

2010-04-28T12:53:00.011-05:00

these are words from a song that has touched me today.
i'm not really feeling like everything is falling apart, but i am feeling some stress and need to think through a few big decisions (nothing crazy, don't get crazy worried).

But, as i believe God brought them to me for a reason, maybe He wants you to see them too.

partial lyrics, Everything Falls, by Fee
you said, you'd never leave or forsake me
when you said, this life is gonna shake me
you said, this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this i know

when everything falls apart, your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart, your the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart, and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

i still believe
your faithful arms will never let me go
and still i know

when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong

there will be storms in this life
but i know you will overcome
but i know you will overcome

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
your the only hope for this heart
you keep holding on

make me more like you, Jesus.

Untitled

2010-04-22T22:22:00.001-05:00

I am feeling ... untitled tonight.

I watched some MLS (yay). I watched some of "The Office" (yay). I even (why-oh-why) watched a few minutes of a couple other channel 9 (the CW...) shows including "Supernatural" (again: why-oh-why). Then I checked my online ...world... , and now I am about to watch some of a (slightly) depressing, but great movie (which is quickly climbing the ladder to the top of the favorites list) The Fall. This will most likely be followed by a few minutes of reading, even if I'm falling asleep (and, still being sick, I should have been in bed going to sleep over an hour ago).

I am feeling very distracted.
(It has taken me about 25 minutest to write this - and it shouldn't have...)

->I am thinking about decisions I need to make.
->I am thinking about a meeting I wanted to have with someone at church - and how to saw what I feel needs saying without freaking that person out, (or worse) making myself look even more strange than he already (probably) thinks I am.
->I am thinking about a conversation I need to have with someone I work with - and I don't want to, 'cuz I don't even know where to start.
->I am thinking about missions, and what that means for/to me.
->I am wishing I had someone to talk to - who won't (even accidentally) make me feel small or stupid or insignificant.

But, I am feeling insignificant, disconnected, unwanted, as though there is no way for me to live up to the expectations that are there.

*ahem*
I know (I KNOW) that the only Person I have to work for (in ANY situation) is God. I also know I can never reach the standards He has - but I also know that He can. And because of His saving love and His work in me, He can bring me to that standard. So, as long as I focus on and work for HIM, I will not fail. Even if here on earth it looks like failure, or to others, if I am truly following Him, I have not failed.

I am important to Him (only He knows why), I am wanted, I am connected, I am significant; I AM LOVED - by the most amazing Being in the Universe.

I just wish it would translate through a few people here too.